Monday, December 28, 2009

Tying Up Loose Ends

There is actually a name for this condition.  I don’t remember what it is.  I am one of those people that has to finish things.  Remember the episode of Friends where Rachel is reading a story to Emma and Joey was there?  Emma was tired and fussy so Rachel put the book down even though she wasn’t finished with the story yet.  Joey wanted to know how it ended.  Yeah, that’s me.  I will hold my squirming disinterested kids tighter until I can finish the story! 

So . . . I have to finish some stories I started.  First of all, I forgot to share the pictures of the kids when we had breakfast with Santa.  Santa-and-Gavin Santa-and-Parker Santa-and-Gwen The boys were so excited to see Santa.  Gwen was apprehensive but never cried.  Last year she did not like Santa and she resented us for making her sit on his lap.  Gavin was so awestruck he didn’t really ask for anything.  Santa prompted him.  Parker asked for the Grinch.  Like the doll Grandma has with all the other Dr. Seuss characters.  I guess Santa didn’t have time to make the Grinch before Christmas because Parker got Handy Manny instead.  On Christmas he said, “Santa must be making the Grinch for me for Christmas next year!” 

On to stories that need an ending.  I found the universal remote.  It was wedged in the side of the couch.  I thought maybe that’s where we would find it.  I looked there countless times but I was looking under the cushions.  It was wedged in the side.  I could barely get it out. 

Heath had a weird look on his face when I showed him.  He thought he had thrown out the base that recharges the battery.  Two days before I had found the remote he saw the base and was ready to toss it since it had been months and we still couldn’t find the remote.  He was panicked that he really did throw it out. 

Huge sigh of relief, he did not throw out the base.  He found it and was very relieved.  Now we can have a universal remote for our bedroom.  How nice will that be to not have to use multiple remotes to watch a DVD or use the Wii?  I’m excited. 

Hopefully if I give this next story an ending it will get out of my head.  A while back I posted this about chronic fatigue I was experiencing.  The funny thing about that post is I really did write the first part and then hold onto it for months before I added to it and got up the nerve to publish it.  Once I hit that publish button my stomach dropped and I knew I would regret saying anything out loud. 

My mom called me all upset.  She knew about the situation because I would call her almost every time the exhaustion hit.  She was very concerned that it was still going on.  Her phone call came not even five minutes after I had read my first comment on the post.  I told her that someone had read the post and shared her story of finding out she has MS.  My mom and I were very sobered.  MS is not something you wish on your worst enemy.  I am so sorry that the sweet woman who commented has to live with this horrible condition every day. 

My biggest fear about possibly having MS is the fact that it’s an autoimmune disorder.  I already have two.  I don’t think I ever truly mourned diabetes until after I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism.  Diabetes was just a fact of life.  It made me crazy some days but it was my life.  I was old enough to remember what it was like to be “normal” but young enough to simply accept it as God’s will for me.  Hypothyroidism was another story. 

I was 25 years old.  Gavin was 9 or 10 months old.  I had already cried my eyes out during that pregnancy when my ophthalmologist told me I had the earliest stages of retinopathy.  He told me it may have been because I had been diabetic for 15 years at that point.  He believed it was because pregnancy advances all the nasty side effects of diabetes regardless of control.  (By the way, my retinopathy improved on its own and hasn’t changed since)  I remember thinking I couldn’t believe I was risking blindness to fulfill a lifelong dream of mine – being a mother.  I often thought that had I known everything that could go wrong during pregnancy as a diabetic, would I still choose to do it.  The answer was always a resounding YES. 

Being diagnosed with hypothyroidism was a weird experience.  I told my doctor I was either pregnant on the pill or I had a thyroid problem.  I did not want to be pregnant yet.  But the news I got back was hard for me to take.  I think I would have rather had a surprise pregnancy than have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life for yet another autoimmune disorder.  I cried and cried thinking I would eventually die from my body attacking itself.  So to have a reader tell me her story of discovering her MS felt like my morbid prediction of my demise was true. 

Well, so what’s wrong with me?  Why do I get so tired at the most inconvenient times?  Soon after my “To be or not to be” post I started thinking maybe it really was an anxiety thing.  I thought back to the summer when it started and thought of all the circumstances going on when my tiredness came on.  I had a lot of long term stress.  Then it went away only to come on again as more long term stress hit. 

I have noticed that this chronic fatigue comes on when I am petrified by anxiety.  I face the music and once the ordeal is over I’m back to normal.  Should I talk to someone about this?  Of course.  Am I going to?  Probably not.  At least I know what causes my exhaustion.  It is easier to deal with now that I know what’s going on.  It’s easier to force myself to deal with my anxieties head on.  Well, most of the time anyway. 

I know who I am.  For the most part I know why I am the way that I am.  I am trying to achieve my potential.  One baby step at a time. 

I hope this effectively ties up the loose ends.  I hope I haven’t lost anyone’s respect as a result.  I had to give these stories closure so I can stop thinking about it. 

4 thoughts:

Becca Jane said...

I have severe anxiety. I'm surprised I don't suffer from high blood pressure because I feel my heart pounding all the time when I'm all worked up....which is often due to my 3 yr old!
I worry about EVERYTHING. My mind races constantly....I try to keep my life all mapped out in my head, but of course it doesn't work that way! I'm learning to hand my worries over to the Lord, but apparently it's something I'm going to have to keep learning over and over!!
Zoloft seems to help a tad....but I'm weaning myself off of it so I can get pregnant.

Dawn said...

You certainly lost no respect. I am amazed at how well you handle both the diabetes and hypothyroidism. I, myself, am an expert on anxiety, fatigue and depression. There are way too many days I struggle through the day at work only to fall into bed for a long nap when I get home. I get up for dinner and am back in bed by nine. If I had my druthers I would stay home everyday. I just joked tonight than maybe I needed to win the lottery so I could stay home and sleep. That is not much of dream is it? Yes, you should talk to someone about the fatigue but it has to be in your own time. You need to do what is best for Tristan!

Dawn said...

Oh, Parker is welcome to the Grinch if you want me to send it.

achick47 said...

I am so glad you figured out the problem was anxiety. I did not mean to scare you with my post. I also have hypothyroidism and with MS it just worried me to hear how much the fatigue was bothering you. Sounds as if the holidays were good and you have a great support in your Mom. If you ever have questions I am here an will answer5 if I can. I turned 52 on Monday and yes I took my thyroid daily pill that makes 49 years worth of them. Oh yeah and I found out I am going to be a Great Grand Mother for the 2nd time. So a long life can be well and happily lived in spite of autoimmune diseases. So girl I know you will make it and like me look back and smile at the wonders you have yet to live. God Bless you and yours. Angel