Monday, September 20, 2010

How to lose five pounds in two days!

It is a proven fact that if you export more than you import you will lose weight. 

Follow these simple steps and watch the weight melt off:

  1. Workout with your EA Active Sports Wii Trainer. 
  2. Clean up soupy poopy that has dripped all over the carpet from your two year old with the stomach flu. 
  3. Gag a few times but inevitably keep it all down.
  4. Fall asleep on the couch watching BYU get their butts kicked by Florida State.
  5. Wake up with a headache and feeling slightly queasy. 
  6. Check your blood sugar and see it’s very low.
  7. Suspend your insulin pump while forcing yourself to eat something since you aren’t the least bit hungry.
  8. Feel seriously nauseated while your blood sugar stubbornly stays low. 
  9. Puke.
  10. Puke some more.
  11. Vomit bile since there is nothing left to puke up.
  12. Sip water and juice so there’s something on your stomach to throw up.  The juice is to keep your plummeting blood sugar up.  But to no avail.
  13. Think about how diabetes complicates everything.  Stupid low blood sugar. 
  14. Make your husband inject glucagon that expired approximately 18 months ago in the hopes that your blood sugar will finally head north because the sweaty feeling of low blood sugar mixed with nausea is not helping.  Thankfully the glucagon works.
  15. Spend the night on the couch puking every hour until 2:30 am.
  16. Spend the next day on the couch.  Barely eating or drinking.  With a heating pad on your aching back from sleeping on the couch. 
  17. Finally consider rejoining the land of the living.
  18. Take a bath in a jetted tub so the jets soothe your aching back.
  19. Force yourself to eat some more since hot baths make your blood sugar drop low.
  20. Step on the scale and see that you’ve lost 5 pounds in two days!  That was easy. 

Remember the movie The Devil Wears Prada?  The best scene is where the girl said she is on a new diet where she doesn’t ever eat anything and then when she feels like she will faint she eats a cube of cheese then she announces that she’s one stomach flu away from her goal weight!  It’s true!  You’re proof. 

I’ll keep my fingers crossed that you get the plague.  Here’s to easy weight loss! 

4 thoughts:

Dawn said...

I am thinking fat doesn't seem so bad right now. Glad you are back among the living but just in time for the rest of the family to go down for the count.

The Piquant Storyteller said...

I know! Heath said, "Get an exorcist!" and I agree. We're glad to hear Barry is doing well. Tell him we're thinking of him watching TV all day while we are.

Sherron said...

Eeewwwwww. I'm not a fan of your weight loss program. I tried it once with the 'upstairs and downstairs' purge and lost 8 pounds in 12 hours (while on vacation and staying with my brother-in-law, my sweet husband washed my laundry every few hours because I only had a few pair of clothes) anyhow, not a fan, sorry about the method but happy to hear of the weight loss.
I never though about how difficult it would be to have diabetes and be sick. You are a trouper. I'm glad that you were able to get things figured out in that area.

The Piquant Storyteller said...

Sherron, I'm not a fan of my weight loss program either. It hurts too much. But 8 lbs in 12 hours??? Holy Moly! That is some serious purging! Thank heavens for understanding in laws and sweet husbands.

Diabetes can make my daily life as complicated as I'm willing to make it. But when it comes to flu like symptoms it can be scary. I'm surprised that my blood sugar was low for all of that. Usually the stress of illness makes it high. I'm just glad I had a syringe full of glucagon. I better ask for another prescription just in case.