Monday, November 1, 2010

Out of Sync

It takes a lot of synchronization to fit a workout in.  This is true for anybody.  Desire and time are the biggest factors in following through on a workout.  Other factors may apply depending on the person. 

For me, I have to worry about diabetes.  This is frustrating to me.  I want to be normal.  I want to wake up in the morning and sweat it out with Julio or Steven without giving it a second thought other than I am tired and would rather sleep.  Most days I can.  That’s what I need to focus on.  Most days I can do whatever I want. 

In the past I have written many posts about how my Type 1 diabetes affects my life.  It started out as incidental mentionings like when I was pregnant.  Kind of like a way of saying I may be diabetic and have to go through more than the average pregnant woman but I’m doing it!  Then I started throwing myself pity parties disguised as posts meant to inform the general public about the disease. 

Eventually I got to a point where the message I wanted to share about diabetes is that it’s a part of my life.  Look at everything else I do besides dealing with diabetes.  I am a person who happens to have diabetes.  It doesn’t stop me.

Even today it didn’t stop me.  I won’t let it.  I did spend some time crying angry tears over the unfairness of this extra burden.  Now I just feel guilty that Heath had to come home early because of me.  Looking on the bright side of things I didn’t end up in the hospital again.  At least I have a loving husband with a flexible job so the kids could be taken care of.

So here’s what happened.  I woke up at 5:30 with a blood sugar reading of 44.  I shut off my basal rate for two hours and ate a high carb breakfast.  I was mad but determined not to miss another workout.  Last week I missed the entire week because of morning lows.  Grr! 

By 6:30 I was 126.  Not high enough for a workout.  I tested again 15 minutes later thinking if it was coming up quickly I could just do the workout.  No, I was 127.  I don’t know if I have some sort of addiction to my workouts or I’m taking too much pride in weight loss or what made me do what I did.  But I worked out anyway.  The calorie burn for today was low compared to what it could be and I missed the goal by 4 calories. 

I felt dizzy and light headed when I finished.  I figured it was from the workout and I would feel better in a few minutes.  The world spun while I made Gavin’s lunch and took him to the neighbors to carpool to school.  My head felt like it would split open it hurt so bad.  I almost never get headaches and when I do it’s obnoxiously painful. 

Doubts and fears started to creep in.  I have been in this situation before.  A workout mixed with whacky blood sugars that affect my electrolyte levels and I deteriorate quickly.  I have spent time being treated for dehydration and I couldn’t afford that today.  So while I was extremely nauseated I wouldn’t let myself vomit.  Once I start vomiting I can’t stop.  I would make a great bulimic. 

I tried lying down which at least stopped the dizziness.  I tested my blood sugar at least 6 or 7 times by 9:00 am.  Luckily it wasn’t on a roller coaster or I may have found myself in the ER.  I showered but couldn’t stand long enough to do much afterwards. 

Why had diabetes declared war on me?  I don’t know but I wouldn’t let it win.  It was an intense inner battle with myself.  My body wanting and needing to do one thing and me refusing to give in.  I have issues with control if you couldn’t tell.  I did throw up but only once which felt like a win for me. 

My mind kept thinking back to the book “Running with Angels” by Pamela Hansen.  She believed for so long that her body was betraying her.  Then she was induced to deliver a stillborn baby and she realized her body was not the enemy.  I wanted to blame my stupid broken pancreas.  It’s easy to blame other things to ease pain and frustration.  But I have come so far in the last year. 

Maybe my body doesn’t work as well as someone else’s.  It’s ok.  I believe we all agreed to accept imperfect bodies before we came to Earth.  My body may not be perfect but look at what I do with it!  I am a mother.  I can fit in workouts most of the time without any issue.  My life is full and does not revolve around diabetes.  Diabetes is always there but it’s not my focus.  My life is my focus.  I would rather think of what I can do than what I can’t. 

Today was a minor setback.  My body and I were a little out of sync but tomorrow is a new day and I know my headache will be gone by then.  If not, I will power through because I hate feeling sick.  Wednesday will come and I will impress the ankle socks off of Steven.  Just you watch.  Nobody tells me no.  Nobody. 

2 thoughts:

Dawn said...

I am telling you no workouts when you are that low. I hate to be a nagging mother-in-law but I know all too well what diabetes can do to you. Please listen to your body. Missing a day of workout is not nearly as bad as going to the hospital. You are such an inspiration to me in how you deal with your illness. Take care, I love you too much to loose you.

The Piquant Storyteller said...

You're right Dawn. I don't think I'll do that again. Love you too.