Monday, January 3, 2011

A Brand New Day

Have the last two weeks of holidays and vacation felt like two months to anyone else?  No?  Just me?  A lot has happened around here.  Going back to school feels like this foreign thing to all of us.  My incredibly awesome neighbors took Gavin to school this morning even though I told her I would drive every day since I can’t carpool. 

At least we now know that our van was finally picked up by the insurance company on Thursday and that someone will be inspecting it.  The lady we talked to early last week said that our van was a total loss and that we would have to do some car shopping.  A couple days later we found out nobody had even looked at it.  So we don’t know if it’s totaled or not.  Waiting . . . waiting . . . waiting . . . Progress can be slow especially when it affects so much of our life.  At this point I just want our garage door opener back that we left behind with a few other random things. 

Moving on to 2011.  For me and my family 2010 was a great year.  The new year feels clean and fresh with many exciting possibilities.  I say bring it on. 

Lately I have been thinking of the two most thought consuming . . . whatever.  I don’t know how either will play out.  I find myself trying to worry about it but worry is replaced with peace.  The Lord is in charge.  Whatever happens will happen and my family will be fine either way.  I know what I want but I also know that what I want may not be what the Lord wants.  My faith will be strengthened either way. 

It’s interesting to look back at my life and the struggles we have been through in the last five years.  Five years ago we barely celebrated Christmas because Heath was out of work and we had no money.  The only thing that got us out of bed in the morning was a job prospect in Seattle.  It was pretty devastating at the time when it didn’t work out.  I remember that Christmas and how we only put up a tree.  Partly because we thought we would move and partly because I couldn’t do the whole Christmas cheer thing.  My feelings were bitter. 

Now I look back on that and all the experiences that followed and I realize we weren’t ready for Seattle.  There was so much the Lord had in store for us to learn.  I don’t know when we’ll ever get to see our dreams fulfilled of living in the Northwest.  It doesn’t seem to matter anymore.  I’m willing to do whatever the Lord needs me to do.  For now it’s to serve on the Relief Society board again planning the Relief Society activities. 

That calling saved my life a few years ago.  I was scared out of my mind to help plan activities I didn’t want to go to but did out of a sense of obligation.  After nine months of being calling-less surrounding my pregnancy with Gwen and her birth, I was depressed.  Scary depressed.  Serving was how I got out of that dark abyss.  It’s been a while now that I have had nothing to do at church and I’m so excited to feel like I belong somewhere again.  I’m so excited to work with the women on the board.  Some of them I worked with on the board before and some are just really great friends that I am so happy to be serving with. 

Fear is still there.  After all, it’s going to planning meetings and activities.  But it’s ok.  I’m going to get help.  The idea of having my ever present anxiety under control seems so strange.  A family member takes medication for anxiety.  This person got help when the panic attacks started because he/she/it said, “This is not me.”  I have been this way for so long I don’t even know who me is.  All I know is it’s taking over my life and I’m tired. 

My two . . . whatever (I don’t know how to describe them!) make me feel like I am standing at the edge of complete darkness.  I won’t find the light on the other side unless I start walking.  This is how faith works.  Recently a lesson in Relief Society described faith as standing in front of the sea like Moses, not knowing if it will part.  Moses did not know the rest of his story.  I don’t know the rest of my story but I feel undeniable peace.  It doesn’t make sense except it does.  With God all things are possible. 

I’m not the New Year’s Resolution type.  I think resolutions are kind of stupid.  No offense to anyone who thinks otherwise.  This year the thought of resolutions didn’t even enter my mind until yesterday when other people started talking about it.  I feel like I have already set goals for myself in the last two months that I am achieving and they have changed my life in a way that a forced resolution wouldn’t.  For me, I like to set goals randomly throughout the year. 

This year is going to be great.  Life is what you make of it and I choose to say this year will be great. 

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