On a road trip my mom, sister, and I stopped for snacks. My mom grabbed a fruit pie for herself and said something about needing one. You know those glazed frosting coated pastries in the snack section filled with pie filling that have over 30 grams of fat and over 50 grams of carbs in one serving? And they used to be big enough that there were two servings in a package! I said in my most deadpan voice, “Nobody needs a fruit pie.” For some reason my statement hit a funny nerve and we all laughed our heads off. It has been an inside family joke ever since. You had to be there.
While nobody needs a fruit pie I needed a burger. With a pickle on it. No, that’s another inside family joke. Maybe I should have titled this post “It’s esoteric!” Which makes me think of junior high French class when my friends and I would study for our English vocab tests for the next period.
Anyway, let’s move on. I was craving a hamburger. Like ready to do something illegal to get one kind of craving. Although I can’t imagine what illegal thing would help me get a burger when all I had to do was just go to a local burger joint. The point is I really wanted this burger. My mouth was watering thinking about the perfect burger.
Bacon. Cheddar cheese – sharp cheddar. Bleu cheese crumbles. Tangy sauce. Smokey grill flavor on the juicy meat. Hot fries with fry sauce. And a tall, cold, Diet Coke in a cup with tantalizing beads of condensation dripping down the side. Can you taste it too? Oh how I wanted a real burger. I can be a fast food junkie and of all the burgers I have ever eaten in my life the Bleu Bacon Burger at the Taste Pilot’s Grill in Disneyland is as good as it gets. It is so freaking good the heavy downpour of rain we ate our lunch in didn’t ruin the experience in any way. So my fry sauce was a little watered down. Big deal. The food was spectacular and that is all I have been able to think about for the last several days.
Heath, Gwen, and I went to lunch yesterday. I knew whatever burger I got would never compare to Taste Pilot’s Grill but maybe a burger would get the insatiable craving out of my head. We went to In & Out Burgers at 1:00 pm. You would think the lunch crowd would be starting to die down some. Not even a little bit. The drive thru line was starting to wrap around the parking lot and I am not even kidding. Well I’m sorry but In & Out is not that good. I mostly picked it because it’s totally different from all the franchised fast food burger chains out there. We went to Carl’s Jr. instead.
Normally I like Carl’s Jr. It reminds me of my childhood and eating at Hardee’s. (Hardee’s and Carl’s Jr. are the same thing with different names in different parts of the country.) It tends to be heartier than your run of the mill burger and their fries are really good. Diet Coke tastes great there. I realize Diet Coke is technically Diet Coke no matter where you get it but some places really are better than others. When you’re a connoisseur like me you know where the best Diet Coke is.
I ordered my burger and was anticipating enjoying the heck out of that bad boy. It came and I seriously wondered if someone dropped it on the floor first. Every piece of it was screwy wampus like it was “it” in a game of hot potato or keep away. The flavor was fine but the presentation of it with the condiments dripping down my fingers and all over my wedding ring really killed the experience for me.
Instead of satisfying my craving enough to get through a week or so, I wanted a burger that much more. I needed a carnivorous burger badly. Heath is a bad influence on me because he supports my fast food addiction. There is a Greek burger place nearby that we have never tried. He thought it would be similar to Crown Burger. Crown Burger is the best heart attack waiting to happen kind of restaurant that you have to indulge in periodically. Yes, that was the type of burger I wanted.
Let me paint a picture for you so you can appreciate the irony of what I was doing. Yesterday I didn’t work out. After only 4 or 5 hours of sleep it didn’t seem important. Today I didn’t work out. The morning got away from me. I was wearing my extra long jeans. The ones that probably could be hemmed just a little but work with heels, or tall wedge sandals as the case was today. I love these jeans because my legs look a mile long and therefore thin thin thin. I don’t like these jeans because they are getting too big in the waist for me but I bought a belt to tide me over until it becomes absolutely necessary to buy a new pair of jeans, which I hate doing. The shirt I was wearing I bought when I weighed about what I weigh now so it finally fits again. I was pretty stoked about how I looked! To go eat a heart attack burger. You see the irony?
The restaurant looked like a Crown Burger from the outside. We walked in and it was very Crown Burger-esque inside too. Good sign. I ordered a bacon cheeseburger, fries, and a Diet Coke. When the food came it looked like Crown Burger. This is good. The burger was everything I hoped for. It could have used some sort of tangy flavor like sauce or bleu cheese but I knew that wouldn’t happen so it was good. Everything I hoped for. My cravings were being satisfied. The fries were good too but they really needed fry sauce and not ketchup. That used to be a Utah thing but Taste Pilot’s Grill had fry sauce. That perfect mix of ketchup, mayonnaise, and pickle relish. Tangy awesome goodness coating every bite of every fry. Yu uh um. Now the Diet Coke wasn’t the best I’ve ever had. It came in a Styrofoam cup so maybe that was the problem. I did have one refill though. It’s Diet Coke and I paid for it! Over all my burger craving is satiated for now. All I needed was a good diner. Diner burgers rock.
After consuming more carbs and fat than I should in one sitting I went to Dress Barn to buy a couple new shirts because very few of my shirts fit anymore. I have lost enough weight and inches that most of my shirts are too long now and completely shapeless in the most unflattering way. When another shirt gets too long I just have to wonder how fat and wide was I that it used to land where it was supposed to. Is that weird? One of my favorite shirts fits everywhere but the length now. I can’t wear it and risk people asking when I’m due. I totally look pregnant in it since it’s an empire waistline. Oh and the dead give away maternity ties in the back. Though it’s not a maternity shirt. It was fine before when I was fat but now it screams maternity and I can’t do it. I bought two super cute shirts to go with my ever changing body that I tried to sabotage with a heavenly lunch of burgers, fries, and Diet Coke that I needed.
Nobody needs a fruit pie or a burger but man today I sure did! So worth it. Steven, I’ll see you on Monday!