Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Hairy Men

As a general rule, I find hairy men off putting.  I have never been into the long, shaggy glam rock look.  And the new look for young guys with the long hair and bangs . . . oh come on!  You look like a girl!  I think ears should always be visible on guys without having to comb the hair behind the ears.  I don’t even like neck hair on a guy.  Shave it already!  My brother used to have me shave his neck hair because he hated it too.  Neck hair just looks unkempt as if the guy doesn’t care. 

Not only did I used to keep my brother’s neckline under control, I cut my boys’ hair.  Heath was pretty nervous the first time I cut his hair.  He kept cringing and asking if I could practice on some neighborhood kid first.  Now he lets me cut his hair no problem.  The only reason why he goes somewhere to pay for a haircut is because I am notoriously slow.  If we don’t have time for a haircut it is sometimes easier to pay for one.  If I cut his hair, the rule is, if he gets complimented on it I did it.  If people snicker or say something negative about it then he should say someone else did it!  That never happens though.  Usually he tells me he’s had tons of girls compliment him – coworkers and Gwen.  “Daddy, you hair looks good.  You get a haircut?  You so handsome!” 

Women spend a lot of time controlling the hair on their bodies.  I have been shaving my legs daily for over a decade now.  It’s become a habit that I can’t seem to break.  When I don’t shave, in the interest of time, I can feel my hair inside my pants and it’s irritating.  So even in the winter I shave.  Every day. 

I don’t have facial hair.  Other than keeping my eyebrows plucked and groomed.  It seems like that should go without saying but some girls have to wax a stache.  Not me.  I had a roommate tell me she was surprised I don’t have issues with facial hair because I’m brunette.  I didn’t know that was the rule – all brunettes have hairy upper lips.  Guess I’m the exception to that one.  I try to understand men and what it must be like for them to have to do something with the abrasively prickly hair that grows on their face and neck.  What I don’t get is why a long weekend is license to try out a beard. 

Now men help me out here.  Is it really that much effort to shave a beard?  I could see the traditional shaving cream and razor method being time consuming but so many men these days use electric razors.  How hard could that be?  You make weird faces as you run the thing over the hairy parts and you’re done in a couple minutes.  Do you know how long it takes to shave pits and legs?  Longer than it does to run an electric razor over your face.  Oh, and size matters.  When my legs were all huge and swollen from pregnancy it took longer to shave them.  Of course maybe that had something to do with the huge baby in the way of me getting down there. 

When I first met Heath he didn’t have to shave every day.  We joke that he finally hit puberty in his 30’s!  I’m assuming that for him, growing a beard is kind of a personal challenge.  So now that he has to shave daily I think he wants to see how long it takes to get any beard action.  Like all men who decide to grow a beard in a weekend, he gets all excited about it. 

Man:  Look at my beard!  Does it look good?
Me:  No.  You look homeless.  Shave that thing off or kiss kissing goodbye. 

Kissing a man with facial hair is another thing.  I hate it.  I know a lot of women who hate it.  I also know some women who are not bothered by it.  What gives?  Here’s my theory that I just thought of.  Men who look ridiculous with goatees have unkissable facial hair.  Men who can pull off the goatee look in all it’s forms have acceptably kissable facial hair.  It’s just a theory.  I would never want to kiss a man who has a full mustache and beard.  Especially when you can see his food in it.  Thank heavens Heath is still cursed with a thin beard compared to say, my brother, who has 5 o’clock shadows 10 minutes after shaving.  He’s a hairy little monkey. 

Men are probably fascinated by women and the lengths we go to to groom all the hair on our bodies.  I’m actually fascinated by men and the lengths they won’t go to to take care of the few hairy parts men are expected to groom. 

3 thoughts:

Ray Colon said...

Yes, Tristan, "a long weekend is license to try out a beard." LOL

At least I always thought that that was the rule.

Okay, jokes aside, I can't disagree with anything that you've written here. It's all true. But... even if women have it harder than men, and scraggly men could be mistaken for homeless, and and some women don't like facial hair, I still can't bring myself to shave more often than is absolutely necessary.

So I guess I'll just need to find a comfortable box to lie on in the alley. :)

I wish I had better answers for you. At least it seems that Heath doesn't let his beard experiments go too far beyond your liking.

Love the puberty @ 30 line.


The Piquant Storyteller said...

I was hoping you would comment on this one, Ray. Unfortunately you didn't shed any light on why men feel the need to go mountain man every weekend. Is it innate? Is guys wanting to see how quickly they can grow facial hair kind of like women collecting shoes? Oh well. It's two more days until you can give your razor a break!

Becca Jane said...

Since having kids, I have a beard...I always joke with Nate that I can grow a better beard than he can! Thank heavens for my lovely pal across the lawn who waxes me faithfully. Oh the joys....