Now that I’ve come out of the closet, so to speak, about my anxiety et all, I’m still trying to come to grips with what it all means. I feel like I’m fighting the medication because right now I feel like a failure for having to take medication. Shouldn’t I be able to control this? Apparently not, which is why I’m on medication.
I still feel like there’s a stigma associated with mental illness. There probably isn’t especially when there are so many people in the world who either need medication or know someone who does. It was pointed out to me that mental illness is taken a lot more seriously now. No doctor is going to tell me it’s all in my head and to just get over it.
It’s weird to think that this is a chemical imbalance. It’s like any other sickness or pain so why is it so hard for me to accept? I know it will take a long time to adjust to the medication. I had a wonderful evening over the weekend, just being a passenger in the car and not feeling any hint of anxiety. The best part of how mellow I felt was that I didn’t feel like I was under the influence of something masking my feelings. I actually felt fine and was completely oblivious to the traffic surrounding me. But I have been frustrated with sudden panic attacks related to nothing. Those are hard to deal with and feel like they last forever because I don’t even know why I’m freaking out! It’s easier to talk myself through something when I know what the trigger is. I have also been almost paralyzed with anxiety over things that have never bothered me before. That is very frustrating. Luckily, my family is looking out for me and I had a much needed conversation where I learned that this crazy week was a very normal reaction to what’s happening to the chemicals in my brain.
The advice I was given was to stop calling myself crazy. If only I could detach this part of myself and see it for what it is rather than internalizing it so much. I’m working on it. I was also told that I can still have bad days even after the medication takes effect. That’s all it is. Just a bad day so I should recognize it as such and not read too much into it. Today was actually a good day. I spent most of the day outside at a park or playground of some sort and never once felt anxiety. I have had really bad days this week. Those should lessen with the medication but I know I will still have bad days occasionally.
I have hope that I can get better but I’m still trapped in the mental mind game of it all. I want to talk about it because I have learned that blogging is a great release for me and it’s cheaper than therapy. I also don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to focus on it too much in the hopes that I can put it in the back of my mind sooner. But I still want to put the story out there in case it can be of any use to someone out there like me. Plus, my blog is for me more than it is for anyone else. Keeping it public keeps it from being too extreme.