Thursday, May 26, 2011

My New Job

After years and years of “not contributing to society,” (don’t even get me started on that hypocrisy!) I have decided to get a job.  The weird thing is I didn’t know it.  I was just minding my own business when I happened to catch the end of Heath’s workout with Stephanie Juliana.  I did a double take because Stephanie looked a lot like the avatar I chose to represent myself when I work out.  Weird.

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This is Cartoon Tristan working out with Steven, the guy in the corner.  The pictures aren’t great I know but you can always click to enlarge. 

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Stephanie Juliana cooling down after a long workout.  Notice any similarities between Stephanie and Cartoon Tristan?  Actually Heath changed my name to SexyTrist which is a lot better than NameTrist!  When Steven does the chest opener stretch it looks fine but when Stephanie does it . . . I don’t know if I like that she’s my husband’s trainer!  How can a sports bra, whose sole purpose in life is to strap those things down, create so much voluptuousness and deep cleavage!

Boy I tell ya, someone had too much fun drawing the women for this game!  I talk really slowly and deliberately and it’s super irritating!  I say the same things that Steven says only dripping with condescension.  I’m not very nice as a trainer.  Heath does not like me and sometimes growls mean things to me in between gasping breaths because I’m kicking his butt with the workout I’m making him do.  Oh, and I tell him he’s doing the exercise wrong all the time even though he’s doing it right.  Trainer privilege.  Steven always does it too. 

It’s interesting moonlighting as a cartoon Wii trainer.  Since I’m a cartoon my pay comes as Monopoly money drawn on a scrap of paper and emailed to me.  It’s kind of hard to spend that kind of cash unless I want to exchange it for Super Mario tokens.  I may be dumb because I’m not a gamer but what in the world are those thousands of tokens for that stack up at the end of a Wii Mario game?  Are they just warm fuzzies because I spent the entire game trying to beat my boys by strategically buying magic candy I didn’t actually get to eat!  Not very satisfying if you ask me. 

Speaking of not very satisfying . . . my new job may explain why my blood sugars have been randomly low lately.  You would think that with all the extra hours of exercise I get the weight would be melting off of me.  Instead I’m packing on the lbs. because my blood sugar is low and unresponsive so often.  Nice.  Of all the consequences of picking up a second job, I get the negative ones of low blood sugar to the point I’m sick of eating!  Not a svelte body that resembles my Wii avatar.  Stupid Murphy’s Law! 

But I am finally living my dream of being a secret superhero!  And that’s cool.  Thank you Wii. 

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