The list was an insurmountable unmanageable reason for a panic attack last night. Heath told me to write down everything I had to do so I could see it wasn’t that much nor was it that hard. It was a good exercise and I was able to easily fall asleep.
The list hovered over me all morning and somehow it took all morning to accomplish nothing more than my basic primp routine. What happened to my morning? I don’t even know. I know that when I get really stressed I tend to get caught up in little compulsions that I hate myself for giving in to.
The list grew in my imagination and by the time I went home, after dropping Parker off at school, to put my thoughts together before running errands the panic attack was rising. But I was going to cross off one thing on my list if it killed me. I was going shopping come hell or high water.
The list was put on the back burner while I had a moment in my office with the invisible walls. The post I have since deleted gave me motivation to move in the face of threatening paralysis. The paralyzing anxiety is my new enemy. I hate it. Nothing makes me feel more helpless and frustrated for being stuck in this crazy cycle than the fear that literally stops me in my tracks.
The list of things I have done today:
signed up for Diabetes Blog Week next week shopping mailed check to the dentist for my filling switched carpooling days to accommodate Parker’s field trip rescheduled doctor appointment washed and dried all loads of laundry minus one put away one load of laundry cleaned the kitchen ran dishwasher twice made lunches for boys for school tomorrow (Parker has an all day field trip to Pigeon Point) made a card for Parker’s teacher after forgetting it was Teacher Appreciation Week
I haven’t finished crossing off everything on my list. It sort of kept growing as the day went on but I can see that I did a lot more than I thought. Writing it down definitely helps. Now I can enjoy my Diet Coke because I have earned it today. I need to rehydrate after all the crying I’ve done! Tomorrow is another day. It’s going to be every bit as difficult as today was but I get Mexican for dinner. It’s our way of giving back to the school. It’s one of those deals where 15% of the bill goes to the school. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.