Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Dead Body in the Desert

Desert is one of those words that I have to double check the spelling on.  There is a dead body in the desert, the hot and dusty place.  There is not a dead body in the dessert, the sinfully sweet after dinner treat.  That would be weird! 

The dead body in the desert is me.  Devon, my new EA Active trainer, is my murderer.  You could alert the authorities but since I’m dead where I sit it doesn’t seem to matter does it?  Devon is a minion of the anti-Christ.  I thought the meaning of the name Devon had some dark overtones, but Wickipedia says nothing about that.  If it’s on Wickipedia it must be true.  “The name Devon derives from the name of the Celtic people who inhabited the southwestern peninsula of Britain at the time of the Roman invasion c. AD 50, known as the Dumnonii, thought to mean "deep valley dwellers". In the Brythonic Celtic languages, Devon is known as Dyfnaint (Welsh), Devnent (Breton) and Dewnens (Cornish). (For an account of Celtic Dumnonia see the separate article.)”  The Celtics!  The Celtics were mean.  According to Kevin Costner’s Robin Hood, the Celtics drink the blood of their babies.  Definitely a minion of the anti-Christ.

I thought I was doing pretty good with Steven and his set of workouts in 6 week long challenges.  Somewhere along the line I plateaued.  My weight stayed the same and then started creeping up when my eating habits changed a little.  I never want to be one of those people who freaks out over a 1-2 lb. weight gain.  I certainly don’t want to be one of those people who publically berates myself for eating *gasp* an M&M!  It reminds me of that scene in Clueless where Alicia Silverstone is moaning to her friend that she ate 5 peanut M&M’s.  “I feel like a heifer.” 

I took matters into my own hands and decided to start another 6 week challenge on high intensity.  After two workouts my muscles were screaming all the time and I was smiling.  No pain no gain right?  Then Heath bought the new EA Active workouts.  The biggest reason was because the leg strap that came with Julio’s workouts was disintegrating.  The new program doesn’t require the nunchuk.  Actually it rarely requires the Wii remote.  I know!  It comes with a leg strap that is much smaller.  It’s basically a strip of Velcro that wraps around the right leg with a plastic sensor in the middle.  Then you wear another strip of Velcro on your left arm just below the elbow.  This is the heart rate monitor.  It tracks your heart rate throughout the workout and more accurately guesses how many calories you burn. 

It all sounds good right?  The challenges are 9 weeks long or you can start a 3 week starter program to ease into a 9 week challenge.  This is what Heath did.  I just started the 9 week challenge because after two years I figured I could handle it.  I hesitated on whether to do high intensity or medium intensity.  Since it was a new routine with a new cartoon trainer I figured I’d go slow and do medium intensity.  I have never felt so inadequate in the exercise/stamina department.  Ever.  Devon slowly kills me every day until my dead body is now decomposing in the desert.  I refuse to work out with him today.  Not only is he mean but it never cooled down in my bedroom last night despite having all the windows open.  I can’t work out in a room that is already 74 degrees and heading up fast because it’s already 84 degrees outside.  Where are the days when it gets super hot during the day and cools to mid 50’s at night?  That’s the desert of the Bay Area I’m used to but every once in a while we get days where it never cools off at night. 

So Devon, you can mountain bike around Zion’s National Park all on your own, illegally and rudely passing other bikers along the trail.  You can run around every basketball court and soccer field you want.  Count me out.  Have you not gotten the memo?  The guy can rape, rob, and murder me.  I can’t run!  Especially not when you make me do 180 foot fires (the football player rapid jogging in place while squatting), then 150 mountain climbers (about to race runner stance where you quickly switch legs back and forth and basically wonder when the sweet release of death will ever come), and then you make me run a freaking race!  Are you crazy?  I get that you’re a cartoon and all but real people cannot do that many cardio leg exercises in a row before they simply give up.  I would rather work out with Jillian Michaels.  She’s a sweet old lady compared to you. 

Devon, I am tired.  I have tried my best every day and every day I have gotten worse instead of better because you’re running me into the ground.  The 4 lb. weight gain is not that big a deal to me.  Has it ever occurred to you that I’m curvy and I like it!  You lie just as much as Julio ever did too.  What was up with yesterday’s workout where you enticed me to cheerfully work out by promising to work on my arms and upper body only to make me do more legs and cardio?  Seriously dude!  My favorite part was when you told me to keep up with you while we were doing fast kick ups around the track and two seconds later you complimented me for working so hard.  I still don’t regret calling you the name of a company that did that to Heath – awarding him for something they then fired him for two months later with no prior warning!  Sleaziness must be an epidemic in this country. 

Temperatures should start to come down tomorrow.  I will be back, Devon.  Count on it.  Just don’t count on me sprinting through every race.  Sometimes it’s ok to walk.  Walking prevents heart attacks.  In the meantime read up on the Tortoise and the Hare why don’t ya?  This dead body in the desert will be back. 

2 thoughts:

Grandma W said...

You make me tired and achey just reading this post. I am going in to read and go to bed.

The Piquant Storyteller said...

You're funny, Dawn!