Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Method to the Madness

Every morning he greets me.  His little beady black eyes have a vacant faraway look.  His smile is stretched out and painted on.  His bill must be paid with flesh.  Perched on a nest of pink fluff, he watches my every move.  Waiting, smiling, ready to snap.  This is especially disconcerting because I’m naked. 

Method had some commercials that were pulled because they were a little off.  A woman attempted to clean herself while squirming to hide her body.  The whole time she is being leered at by leftover shower cleaning bubbles.  Scrubbing Bubbles perhaps?  They start chanting, “Use the loofah!”  The idea of the commercial is that if this woman had used Method shower cleaner there would be no rude residue left to get a free show of her in the morning shower. 

I didn’t realize the commercial was still on youtube.  Viewer discretion is advised!

This commercial comes to mind along with Ernie’s voice singing “Rubber Ducky” each morning I am eye to eye with that duck attached to a loofah.  Really the duck doesn’t creep me out as much as it cracks me up.  Because it belongs to my husband.  My big burly manly man bought this loofah on purpose.  Soon after buying himself a Costco sized bottle of body wash.  I am not making this up!  Nor am I making up the fact that he told me to blog about it.  Encouraged me even! 

To save face for all involved, I took pictures.


Meet R.D.  Rubber Ducky.  The animal with a penchant for pink.  If his brain wasn’t oozing out of the top of his head as a nylon rope, he would say the pink is a strange chemical reaction.  You get what you pay for and if some guy wants to spend 39 cents on a child loofah the pink is part of the deal. 


It’s a tragedy that Dove’s body wash for men doesn’t include a brawny manly loofah.  Grunt.  Snort.  Spit.  Actually Dove provided no loofah at all.  Doubly tragic.  What’s the guy supposed to do?  Use his hands?  We have hard water so things don’t naturally suds up easily.  My experience with using tear free body wash on the kids is that I use three times the amount I need if I just use my hands.  So they all have their own creepy creature attached to pastel colored netting for 39 cents a piece.  Since the kids are still little with silky soft skin, the body wash suds up luxuriously on the loofah.  My experience is also that they smell yummy.  The coconut pina colada flavored wash is my favorite.  Mix that with a deep inhale of their freshly washed hair from the cherry or strawberry shampoo collection and my stomach growls for real fruit smoothies. 


Dove took notes and created a body wash for men that smells divine.  Not fruity.  Not girly and floral in any way.  Manly pheromoney.  Dove describes it in minty green text as Extra Fresh.  In smaller print “cooling agent”; to tone down the reaction I’m sure.  Old Spice and Axe also use male pheromones in their product recipes.  As a woman, I must say they have successfully created a make my wees kneak fragrance!  Heath gets out of the shower and I sniff his body then take deep draughts of his pits.  Then I melt with my eyes rolled back in my head.  

On Sundays he shaves in the shower with the Gillette Fusion shaving cream and that smells good too.  Just to be clear, he does not use the pink handled razor in the background.  That one’s mine!  He uses a much more masculine razor in gun metal gray, not bubble gum pink in a chunky handle. 

Rubber Ducky may look silly in the master shower but he is the vessel that makes my man go from sweaty smelling to hummina hummina hummina smelling.  Occasionally I do worry that he’s laughing at me and opening his plastic mouth wider to nip at my shoulders.  I can almost hear Paul the Penguin Loofah in my Jacuzzi tub across the room chuckling too.  Is there no solitude for a woman in her own bathroom? 

8 thoughts:

Grandma W said...

When the boys were little my dad bought them a sample decoy duck that looked like a real duck 'cause he didn't like silly little rubber duckies. I wonder if I still have that somewhere and can attach a netting to it?

The Piquant Storyteller said...

Heath says he remembers that duck. It would be interesting for you to attach it to a loofah. Honestly though, I think that's weird. It's one thing to share a bath or shower with a bright yellow cartoonish duck. It's quite another to share that moment with a realistic duck decoy.

Ray Colon said...

Hi Tristan,

This post was so funny - from that video, which I had never seen, through to your hummina hummina reaction. Loved it!

This post almost makes me want to get some and try it. I'm a "just soap and water" guy, even for my hair, so this would be a big change for me.

Hey, I just realized that it's Sunday night, so that means that Heath will be looking good and smelling even better. Hummina hummina :)


The Piquant Storyteller said...


You make me laugh! By the way, Heath got a haircut yesterday. Short hair, baby soft face, and smelling awesome! My life is officially perfect!

I only know about the commercial because Method used to be a client Heath worked with. They have good products if you're interested. Dishwasher detergent bad. Grapefruit smelling hand soap awesome. Laundry detergent and fabric softener for HE washers is the best! Try it. Love it. Never go back.

Forgive my shock that you don't even use shampoo. Dude, spring for some shampoo! It makes your hair softer and irresistable to women who want to run their fingers through it and it's got to smell a million times better than bar soap. Lever 2000 may be for your 2000 parts but come on, they didn't mean your hair too! :)


Ray Colon said...

Ha ha, Tristan, "Dude, spring for some shampoo!" Are you kidding? With three women in the house there's plenty it around. It's just easier. I don't mind the lather and rinse part, but the repeat is just going too far! Ray

The Piquant Storyteller said...

Ray,do you ever watch Bill Engvall? A friend in college introduced me to him. He's hilarious. I looked on youtube for a video where he talks about shampoo but there's too many Here's Your Sign segments to sort through. So I listened to the track on his Here's Your Sign CD. He talks about how there's warning on products.

With three women in your house you must not have had any conversations about shampoo. You don't have to repeat!

In Bill's words:
"You've all seen this one. On the back of a shampoo bottle it says rinse, lather, repeat, rinse, lather, repeat. You know there's some idiot still in the shower. Cuz it doesn't say dry your hair try it again tomorrow man."

Now, I'm not calling you an idiot or trying to issue you "a sign." I'm just saying that a man with short hair, such as yourself, only needs to lather up once rinse it off and call it a day. Don't be offended! I'm totally kidding! In your spare time you should enjoy some Bill Engvall. He's pretty funny.

Ray Colon said...

You are so cracking me up with this. Sure, I know Bill Engvall. He's the "You must be a redneck," guy, right? He's pretty funny.

I'm not offended at all, although the shampoo label should be clearer. LOL

The Piquant Storyteller said...

No that's Jeff Foxworthy. They're friends. Bill Engvall is the "here's your sign guy." On my CD he starts that segment with the label on Preparation H. He says, "You know someone sent them a letter. Dear Preparation H, I ate this whole dang tube and I still got these hemorrhoids. My mouth is so small I can hardly eat a jelly bean. But I can whistle real good."

You have got to look him up! You can stream his 15 Degrees Off Cool routine on Netflix. That one made me cry I was laughing so hard.